I’m the kind of person that is either all in or all out. The problem is that when I’m all in my mental or physical health will occasionally nosedive into Mariana’s Trench, and not being able to predict when that may lift, I end up going all out anyway. It usually looks like participating in something I am really interested in and passionate about, and getting carried on the wave of that excitement. And, when I begin to falter, or I miss deadlines, or find myself lacking the zest I started with, I put my head in the sand and ignore it, until I’ve let things go so far that I don’t think I can pick it back up again.
I do this with writing a lot. I might get into a journaling practice and feel really good, but then one day I’ll just stop and so much time will go by that it feels like an injustice to keep writing in that journal so I have to start a new one. It might look like having my own blog on my website, and I’ll put the work into designing it and setting up the space, but by the time it comes to writing in it consistently I never quite get there. It even happens on Consciously Woman where I am so in love with what is going on here, and adore all the posts and the people and what we all bring to the table, but I find myself drifting away while on autopilot and not sure how to get back in the swing of things.
Writing is the thing I feel I am best at, and yet it’s the very thing I shy away from when anything goes awry, as if having any state of being that doesn’t look like clarity, passion and keen awareness, automatically makes me unworthy of writing during those times. I have to recognize that moving through these very human, very normal time periods and continuing to write and show up for myself is, in its own way, a method to move forward and evolve. Hiding when I’m not feeling 100% and I have as much charisma and personality as a wet sock, only keeps me in the same state for longer. With that, I’ve committed to writing this post come hell or high water, or if I’m lucky (which I am) a very strong cup of coffee.
So, here I am, committed to this post in whatever way it comes out – perfect or otherwise.
Written by: Sandra Barnhart