What if I Fully Commit Myself to Me?
I’ve always had mixed feelings about my future. I come up with things that I want to spend my time doing, thinking it will solve how I feel in my present life, only to reach those goals and still find the same feeling of anxiety, discomfort and disconnect with who I am and where I’m at. I’ve always been a grass is greener type of person who believed that by changing my external environment (with buying things, moving different places, etc.) I would somehow feel at peace. As if buying a new table lamp or something to hang on my wall would bring me inner harmony. As if moving across country four times and into 11 different apartments was somehow going to make me feel accomplished and capable, as if I had it together.
I have always had ideas about what I wanted my life to look like because I was always trying to escape how it is that I felt. For all of my self-awareness, what has always escaped me is that I’ve never stopped to think about how I want to feel day to day. I’ve never started from where my emotions and desires are, and built things out from there. It’s always been trying to think of different scenarios, jobs, locations, and trying to force those puzzle pieces into my own personal framework. It’s not even that they were the wrong pieces, it was that they were from an entirely different puzzle that wasn’t designed to work with who I am, fundamentally.
We’re all evolving in this life. Every time I think I’ve nailed this kind of thing down I’m shown something new. This time I find myself thinking what if I fully commit to my SELF and how I FEEL? What if I fully commit myself to me?
Well, what I can tell you is that when I ask myself those questions and really dive deep on it, I start to tune into different possibilities for my life. Those possibilities don’t involve some big corporate job. They don’t involve some huge book deal, or having a best selling novel, or being fabulously wealthy. They don’t involve having a fitness model’s body. They don’t involve any “destination” point that I imagined would make me feel accomplished, successful, and as though I mean something in the world and to the people in it. All of those desires are empty and meaningless if I’m not feeling in love with my day to day life, how I feel in it, and how I show up for myself and the people that I care about. When I tune my focus into how I want to feel right this minute, all of those big dreams and ambitions fall away. I don’t care about the end result, I care about doing things because they feel good to me. Writing feels good to me, so why not do it regularly without attaching an outcome to it? Exercising and eating well feel good to me, so why don’t I do it without trying to force myself into a certain physical look or state? Having a financial safety net and knowing that I’m supported and can stand on my own two feet feels good to me, so why not find ways to do that which don’t drain me on a soul level and that actually nourish my day to day life?
There is an easier way to do everything I want to accomplish, and it all starts with getting deeply and passionately in tune with how I want to feel on the very deepest level of my being. I’ve started Desire Mapping and I am using that as a tool, along with starting therapy, to get back in touch with my self.
So, what if I could fly? Well, that sounds pretty nice right about now. There are a lot of ways to get up in the air, whether that be with a pair of angel wings, a helicopter, a hot air balloon, or enjoying the simple pleasures of swinging on a swing-set. I’m looking forward to doing it all…if it feels right.
Written by: Sandra Barnhart