In the Spirit of Living My Best Life
I’ve been MIA for a few weeks, but when I saw this topic I knew I had to take action and speak to it. Divine timing, and all that.
I’ve only gone to therapy in a crisis. Either I’ve been unable to leave my house due to crippling panic attacks, or I’ve been so depressed that I can’t get out of bed and wish for death to relieve me of my own misery. Lately, I’ve had the same paralyzing thoughts circling around my mind about what to do next in my life. I’ve been feeling frustrated and down by the job market, and I’ve been too exhausted to pursue my own passions and to work on what I know I’m meant to be doing with my life. I’ve had to admit to myself that I’ve gone as far as I can on my own, and that maybe it’s time to not only ask for help, but to actively seek it.
It’s not seeing a therapist that really scares me as I’ve been there, done that. What scares me is what I’ll uncover about myself as I proactively choose to take control of my life, my thoughts, and how I feel. I have a choice now – not out of desperation or because I’m in a mental health emergency – but because I want to and so I feel like now there is everything to gain. I’m afraid that taking ownership of my life in a new way and putting in the work to differentiate between a mental health concern and what is normal for every day people. I’ve lived with the burden of anxiety and depression for so long that my frame of reference for what is a normal human emotion and experience is skewed. I’m in a place where I’m ready to learn about that, accept it, and strategize to move beyond it.
In a way, I have become inert to the point that I don’t recognize who I am, what I want, or what I’m about anymore. I know what I used to be working towards, but as an ever-evolving person, I’ve lost touch with my own values and what it is that I want to feel in my day to day life. Right now, it looks a lot like indecision, stress, guilt, fear and feelings of being beholden to others in my life. Allowing myself the opportunity to get unstuck and to re-engage in my life is exciting, but I know that it’s going to take work, it’s going to take self-respect, and it’s going to take facing myself in a way that I’ve been avoiding for the last couple of years. As introspective as I can be, I know that I’ve willfully developed a lot of blind spots when it comes to how I’ve been living. Getting crystal clear about everything is going to be confronting. It’s definitely scary and I have my reservations, but in the spirit of living my best life and practicing what I preach, I know that taking this step is a beautiful opportunity to get some momentum going again.
My first appointment is set in the calendar and I am already feeling empowered. I know for myself, just making the decision and committing to it is already opening up doors that would otherwise be shut. I’ll try not to keep my eyes closed the whole way.
Written by: Sandra Barnhart