The OTHER F-Word
Well I guess there is no escaping it. It’s shown up all week. It crept into my yoga practice. It reared it’s head at the office. It peaked out unexpectedly on a coffee catch-up. And now it’s here in this blog topic. The dreaded four letter “F” word. No not that one silly rabbit, F-E-A-R. Yeah. Me too. The word just hangs in the air there. Interestingly I chose to spell it instead of say it, almost as if to say its name makes it even more real.
Let’s be honest. Evolutionarily speaking, fear was a good thing. If you didn’t fear the edge of the cliff as you were running, you’d likely die from the plunge. If you were curious and fearless when face-to-face with a sabre-toothed tiger, chances are the tiger would win. But really. I want to grow and expand my Huna practice. I want to be more mindful of my health. There is no immediate threat to my life in these intentions. And yet the same neurochemical reaction that kept our ancestors safe from the wild animals seem to plague me even while comfortably seated, all toasty warm indoors. It holds me back. Don’t get me wrong, I do have clients, they don’t make me a afraid. Nor do new clients or opportunities to write. But challenge me, ask me if I am doing anything to market myself beyond word of mouth. Ask me if the focus in my writing calls out the beauty of the Huna way.
I SAY I don’t want to be in your face with Huna healing. It feels disingeniune to the practice. Valid. Yet here’s how it happens when an opportunity happens in person. In a conversation where the person has given a perfect opening, they have articulated that they are searching for more. Time to talk Huna right? Instead I feel my body tense up. And then the moment passes and I don’t take it. I lose the moment to share. What am I afraid of? Judgement. Yes. Ridicule. Perhaps. Attacks even. Which is crazy. If we were living in the 18th century then yes I might be in danger of being called a witch or worse burned at the stake but here and now in the 21st century and luckily living in Canada, the physical threat is not there. For the most part people are polite and many times even curious and asking questions. There isn’t a lot of information on Huna (the word itself means secret) and so what perfect opportunity to share. My own self-judgement is now in there because of the missed opportunity.
I play this over. There is more to explore here. Ask the tougher questions. Why did I keep my mouth shut? And there it is. I am keeping myself small. Why? It’s safer. I can’t be rejected let alone have it come out that I am not good enough. That hangs in the air as I wipe a tear away. Not enough. I thought I had healed this energy. Now I want to use the other F word. I am humbled as I realize that despite 5 years of learning the Huna way and sharing it, I still have much learning to do. As I clear old wounds, it’s as though it uncovers the other wounds underneath. Interestingly they seem to share this theme, this fear of not being enough.
Perhaps ironically and definitely thankfully, the antithesis to fear also showed up for me this week. I was particularly glum. Yes, even I get that way. Quite honestly I was having a bit of a pity party. After all I eliminated coffee, dairy, meat, wheat and processed sugars all in one swoop. Of course there is going to be detox emotions. But back to the point, in day 3 of detox and low point for me, what should come into my awareness but this beautiful quote
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
– Marianne Williamson.
I’ve read it before but in that moment it truly hit me. Head to toe goosebumps. It stirred a knowing. Like poking a bear awake. And just the kick in the pants I needed.
I can take steps. I don’t have to be in your face, but I can take the openings presented. Step 1. I can be more active on Instagram and my @metamorphosishealing444 Facebook page. Step 2. My head is swimming with all the things I could add to this but I stop and think. A couple of small steps is better than no steps.
It’s time to go back to the lab as my teacher would say. Time to go look inwards and clean out this energy of self-limitation that no longer serves me. Time to turn my healing inwards to do the work to remember who I really am. Thanks fear for the visit. Thanks for the message. Enjoy the time you have left here because I am turning this fear into FEARLESS!