Renewal: And So She Did

 In Weekly Forum Discussion, Writer in Residence

2019 is here. Another year in the books, there was a time I didn’t think about years. I lived day to day, moment to moment. I didn’t think about a future. I didn’t dream or set goals. I was someone who was empty inside. I was numb. I lived in a daily fog going through the routine of life.

My world collapsed at the end of 2015. I was held in a mental torture chamber for two years. My children kept me going through this terrible dark time. In 2018 I was released and made it a year of rediscovery. I enjoyed rediscovering me. My children for the first time saw their mother light up when she smiled. I was truly smiling.

In 2019, I want to make this a year of renewal. I know it has been over a year, but I am not where I would like to be. I need to listen to my mind, body and soul. It is time to heal.

Physical Body:

I didn’t realize how stress can affect your body. My body took an internal beating. I am going to heal and renew my body. I am beginning with a massage a month. I am nervous about someone touching me, but I am doing this for my body. I have only heard great things about massage therapy. Why not try something new, something for me.

I will nourish my body with nutrients. Eating right is so important. You body lets you know when you don’t eat right. I feel lethargic. I am learning how important it is to take care of me. I am no good if I don’t have a healthy body.


Mental renewal, this is the tough one. I know my mind will never be completely healed. I don’t want to feel like a victim the rest of my life. I have days where I am great. No thoughts of the darkness, only happiness. Then occasionally during the slumber of sleep the nightmares, I wake up. I am back there. I can’t go back to sleep. I don’t feel safe, even though I am safe.

I am going to spend this next year learning to be at peace in my mind. I am going to try meditation and yoga. I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and sign up for a self-defense class. I have to break my freeze cycle. If someone comes at me my mind goes blank. I freeze.


My soul will be the fun one. I am going to take 30 minutes a day for me. My reset time, my moments of love: a walk, reading, dancing, playing a game, listening to music, enjoying a beautiful view or watching the train go by. This will be my time. I might even take myself out to dinner or to a play. My life book is wide open.

I plan on continuing my dancing. This is so refreshing for my mind, body and soul. I am going to add a toning class into my routine. It is important to stretch and strengthen my body. With this new class I also get conversation. For someone who is alone most the time, I enjoy hearing about the other ladies’ lives. I don’t engage in the conversation yet. When I am more comfortable and feel safe I will converse.

2019 is here, let the renewal begin. I can feel the energy of my new found peace surging though every fiber and cell.

Written by: Collette Cottingham; Guardian Angels

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