I have had so many amazing doors open and opportunities offered to me recently relating to my art business, that I am full of gratitude! Sometimes, I believe that I can really do this…I AM really doing it! I am an entrepreneur. I am an artist. I am creating my dream life and manifesting abundance.
And then…a little voice pops up. A rude little gremlin, sticking its ugly little nose into my fantasy land and ripping me back down to reality…even if it’s a false reality, based on fear, judgement and guilt. “You are not good enough”, it shouts. “Who do you think you are, anyways? You are not an artist. You are not a business woman.” Its voice laughs at the thought. “Hell, you are not even a good wife, mother or employee! How do you expect to be taken seriously? How do you plan to provide for your family? To contribute to your household? You don’t know what you are doing. Stop now, before anyone else suffers. You can’t do this.” Its smugness is annoying, but somewhere, somehow, a piece of me believes these words. I don’t know what I am doing. I am a failure before I start. I am a burden to my family for selfishly desiring more, and risking our financial well being to pursue a fantasy, MY dream. And is this dream actually my life’s passion? Or just the flavour of the moment, ready to pass me by when something new and shiny presents itself and seems more fun? What was I thinking?!
What is holding me back from success? Shame. Doubt. Fear. Am I enough? Or will people think that I am an imposter? I am a self-taught artist, mostly attending online workshops in the comfort of my own home…does this even count? Can I even call myself an artist? I create art, but my gremlins remind me frequently that I am not a “real artist”. I have no technical training, no official education or qualifications. I also feel I am still working to define my style. What do I paint? Lots of things. I do not have one focus or theme or brand. I am also not a business woman…according to those same voices. I am absolutely terrible at keeping track of my finances. True, this skill does not come naturally or easy for me. So, are my increased efforts enough? Or will I fail at business just because this is not my forte and I can not yet afford professional help in this area? Will my lack of spending control in excited and inspired moments devastate my family’s financial security? Or will I be able to supplement our income and support the family as I imagine?
All I can do is my best. And accept that it won’t be perfect.
Sometimes “good enough” is all we need. All I can do is my best, and my best will be different every day, in every moment. Some days I reach for the stars. And others, just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Brené Brown says “No matter how much I get done, or is left undone, at the end of the day, I AM ENOUGH”. This was my mantra a while back, after my head injury, for about a year. I wrote it repeatedly in my journal. And I lived by it, and celebrated my successes every day, no matter how small and insignificant they seemed sometimes. I taught myself to meet myself where I was and believe that what I had accomplished in the moment was enough.
I believed that I had moved past this doubt, but the gremlins didn’t run away, and they weren’t defeated. They were just silenced for a while. They sat, watching, and waiting. Until I started to believe in myself too much. So much that things were happening for me so quickly I could barely keep up. I would wish for something, and it would be offered to me. It is an amazing space to be in. And that is the moment the gremlins come out. I believe they mean no harm, for fear is only meant to keep us safe. And unfamiliar territory contains risk. I believe that this risk is totally worth it, for the reward is much greater than the fear. Quiet down, gremlins! This is my time to shine! I am ready for success, and the joy and confidence that comes with it. I may be imperfect, but I AM enough!