With Every Heartbeat, the Essence of Life
Looking back on my life I wouldn’t say I had the typical childhood, but honestly, what would is typical anyway?
I was born into a family with a mom, dad, and brother. We lived in a small trailer in Dry Gulch, B.C. (which is still one of my favourite places to spend my time, taking beautiful walks). I don’t remember a whole lot from my young childhood except small little particular things, pretty much all good memories. We built a new house and my baby sister was born. I think the first time I went into the rabbit hole was when my parents sat us down and told they were separating. I will never forget that day. Many mixed emotions went through my head, especially at a young age of seven. The hardest part for me was the dynamics of the family were transformed. We were forced to adapt to our new situation, and in turn grow.
This lesson taught me that when it came time for me to marry, it would be permanent, or till death do us part. If I take the word divorce out of the equation, we are left with no other option than to make it work.
As a teen, I started dating young (way too young as I look back on it now); I lost myself in an abusive relationship that went on for far too long. I went from an outgoing, sports-loving, active girl, to a hiding, depressed, “never good enough” teen. I went deep in the rabbit hole at this point in my life. And no matter how many people told me I deserved better, I guess it took a broken heart to reach the point of change. Boy, did I learn a lesson here! Back to the relationship drawing board.
I married my high school sweetheart, 15 years together this June, and celebrating our ninth wedding anniversary this month. Our marriage is strong, yes we have our ups and downs, like everyone else, but we love each other more than anything and that’s what makes it work. We have been through so much together, a miscarriage with our first baby, to the birth of our two beautiful, amazing, healthy children. With each experience, learning what it feels like to have your heart feel as full as it can possibly get, and then again when you just couldn’t imagine it being more (rabbit hole moment). This has taught me strength, softness, and that with every heartbeat there is the essence of life.
As a mom, I have learned the most about myself, which seems confusing. I am 33 and in the last 10 years, I have done the most growing. I had given my whole self to these two beautiful children, my husband, and everyone else in my bubble. I have had moments of complete joy and happiness, to moments of absolute devastation, in which it felt as though my whole world, as I knew it, was shattered.
Rabbit hole…here I come! I had lost a part of myself, and I had to go searching. What makes me happy? What are the things I love? It became my journey, my new path, and my new focus. I’m pushing slowly out of my comfort zone, slowly because I prefer security. But this is where the growing happens. And slowly, but surely (I’ve always loved that expression), I am finding those pieces.
There was always a light deep inside me that continued to shine through every moment. This light is what has guided me and has brought me to where I am today. Just when I think I truly know myself, I learn something new. It’s amazing!