Wherever I Go, There I’ll Be
I am someone who now lives in the present. I believe that the single only moment we have is this one right here. It has taking me along to time to realize that it’s the only peaceful way to live and allow my heart to lead the way.
I have the tendency to try to control everything. Even my kids will say to me “Mom that’s your OCD taking over.” Oh my word… they are like sponges! But they’re right! I have always felt the need to try to control everything around me. Why? Maybe because in doing so, I can prevent getting hurt or being let down. In the past I have been through many moments of complete devastation. My parents divorce, losing a loved one, having my heart broken. Each time I went through something extremely difficult I would guard myself. I would think “if only this happened, maybe then things would have been different.” I have always lived from a place of acceptance. I have a fear of being judged from other people. I fear being the reason that they are unhappy or I have rubbed someone the wrong way. So for this reason I had become the giver. The one that anyone could come to for whatever it was they needed. I had become the problem solver, the one who felt it was MY responsibility to fix the other persons issues. The Yes Woman – that no matter how I compromised myself I would do anything for anyone.
I became so consumed with living in the past and controlling what the future might look like, keeping the peace around me and making sure everyone else was taking care of. I had lost myself in the whole process.
I was left asking myself: “who am I?”
I am a lover. Anyone who is in my life is there because they mean something to me and I love them. Each pet in our home, I love them. The way I put my home together I am creating a space we can love being in. I make meals for my family to fill their bodies with nutrients because I want to take care of them. I buy gifts and flowers and bottles and wine and give them impulsively because I want that person to feel loved.
It was shortly after my Grandpa unexpectedly passed away in October that turned on a light bulb for me. It hit me. I had one of those wide awake moments. I realized that no matter how much time you think you have it will never be long enough. That we spend more time worrying about tomorrow than living today. That we save special things for rainy days but in fact will that rainy day come? It was then that my daughter (3 years old at the time) asked me “Mom, can we put up our Christmas tree?” It was early November which my logical mind thought “it’s way too early to decorate for Christmas!” Then my heart said: “wait a minute… Why can’t we? Why do we have to wait until December? Christmas brings joy to our life. The lights, the music, the family gatherings and the time spent together. Yes! We can and we will!” We brought joy into our home. Instead of focusing on the sadness and heartbreak, we took it as a lesson to do the things we love NOW!
This is how I live. I live in the moment. I feel the sun on my face, I breathe in the mountain air. I hug my kids and I say I love you. I send text messages to people just to say hi. I stay connected. I follow my heart. I don’t do something that I truly don’t want to do, within reason. And I do what I want to do when I want to do it. I give gifts, I hug everyone and I live to be happy and do what makes me happy.
My heart is full, I am in a space that I feel comfortable in. And I take each day as it comes.