In this week’s topic two recent experiences came together. Just a few days ago, a friend of mine used the Body Code, an energy healing modality, to help me with a certain challenge in my life. It was maybe half way through the session that we saw a cycle I go through: when there is something I don’t do right (think “perfect”), I feel guilty, which makes me angry at myself for not getting it done any better. I then reject my imperfect self and punish it, only to start the whole cycle all over again.
Having been presented this pattern with such clarity made me see it in every nook and cranny and ponder why I have such a guilty reaction to my own behaviour in the first place: because I reject being imperfect. I judge myself for being imperfect, when in reality we all are, it’s normal and plain human. When I afterwards read the discussion topic for this week, I had to laugh. Of course: this right awareness at right this time.
Also a few days earlier, I spent some time with my father in the car. For some reason I started asking my Dad about my deceased grandfather’s painting business and about his artistic endeavours. I somehow remembered that he liked to draw and paint artistically, too. And wouldn’t you know it, I wasn’t only correct with this conjecture, but my Dad used to draw, too, when he was younger! I remember my brother drawing awesome sketches of spaceships and such, back when he was at school. Then there is me, I like to draw and sketch and paint and am somewhat good at it. Voilà, a whole family line of artists, all in one little five-minute conversation! It made me think about what I am doing with this gift I inherited from my father’s side. I like to dabble into it. I bought an online sketching course last year and always meant to dive into it, but never did.
Back to the awareness of not being okay with being imperfect and the vicious cycle of negative feelings I put myself in because of it. I realized that it is for the same reason I never dove into the course: I hide out because I cannot start this course being perfect already!
In comes this discussion topic and my tenacity to do as I’m told: I start watching the videos of the Udemy course and unlike the last few times I also start working on the assignments of the course. So the last two days I took the time to sit in the garden and sketch one of my boots. And despite not being done with it yet, wow, have I learned at least two things already: I have to study the object way longer than it takes me to draw it to make it really good! Sketching like this soothes me as studying the object with such intensity simply doesn’t allow for mental chatter at the same time! So I may not be perfect, but I am already two steps further down the road than I was last week and honestly it was so much fun, too!!