Just Let it Be
I love talking about what makes us tick. Who are we? What do we love? What motivates us and keeps us inspired? But let’s switch gears for a moment to ponder what it is that holds us back?
For me? Losing CONTROL.
Since a long as I can remember this is the one ghost that is in my closet. The one that hangs over my head, that paralyzes me in fear and that holds me back. My overbearing need to control the elements around me. I can picture myself in the character of Randall on the TV series “This Is Us.” He is a perfectionist. Just like myself, I can relate to this feeling perfectly. I am always trying to control situations to make sure that the outcome is always positive. Even going as far as losing sleep over certain things that I literally cannot control. When I gave it some serious thought, (which is one thing I absolutely LOVE about writing for CW, having the space to dissect my thoughts and feelings and to dig deeper,) I realized that it’s not just that I constantly strive for perfection, but also there is the fear of not being in control of the journey or a specific outcome.
When I was young, we moved houses many different times. My parents divorced at a young age and it opened the door to unsettlement. This situation was out of my control. I literally could not be in control of the journey. I don’t place blame on anyone for this situation, it’s all I knew and I grew to adjust and adapt. This is something we as people learn, how to adapt to certain situations. Raising my children in a home that we built and moved into when Bella was just turning one, has given me a feeling of comfort. This home has created that feeling that I had longed for when I was young. It is our safe place, our soft place to land. Our roots are embedded and growing here. This home has so many memories, and it holds milestones that we will cherish for the rest of our lives.
My husband and I have a piece of property in town that we plan to build on. We have this amazing opportunity in front of us. My brain says it would be so nice to be closer to the schools, to the kids’ friends, to the hockey rink, grocery store, pretty much everything. Everyone in this home is on board to make the move, except me. For some reason, there was something holding me back, stopping me from moving forward to make the steps. It was just recently that I realized I am not ready. I am not ready to say goodbye to this home. We have just begun construction to finish our basement, to complete this home that we live in now. And I can say that I know in my heart when its all said a done, I am going to love it even more.
But it isn’t just the fact of loving this home so much that I am not ready to leave, but realizing that its because I would be losing control of our atmosphere. Things would change. Would we be happier there? So many things go through my mind. The scariest part is not knowing whether I am making the right decision.
CONTROL Part 2: Choosing.
This is another difficult thing for me. Life is always about choices. Choices that we make determine where we end up. This may be easy if we know what we want the outcome to look like, but what if we’re just unsure?
I am not someone who likes to be spontaneous. As a part of my perfectionism, I like to know my plan, not to say I can’t be persuaded. I just have to give time to allow everything to sink in, so I can adjust and adapt. If I have a set plan in my mind (control) and things instantly change, (like they do all the time) I have a difficult time adjusting. This is something I truly want to work on. To be easier going, and a little more carefree. Let go of the fear of change, and allow for growth.
I can apply this to things like cooking and baking. If I have a recipe in front of me for carrot apple muffins, but I am short on the apple, I can substitute some grated zucchini, and Voilà! Carrot – apple – zucchini muffins. But when it is on a bigger scale, it can seriously stress me out.
The absolute hardest thing when it comes to being in control is not being able to control how others relate to me. I try so hard to be the peace maker. To never rub someone the wrong way, to never intentionally or unintentionally hurt anyone’s feelings. To say yes, even when everything in my heart is telling me to say no, the fear of letting someone else down. Controlling the journey to ensure that the outcome is always positive.
I know that this isn’t realistic, and I have come along way from where I once was. Constant reminders that putting myself first sometimes is essential to my happiness. This is where the self-love falls into play. I know that I I do things with a good heart, my intentions are always pure and I always have thought about the outcome. I am learning that my constant need to try to control EVERYTHING is not fulfilling. It is actually exhausting. So… letting go a little bit is something I am trying to work on. Remembering to “just let it be” and allowing myself to trust that the end result will be exactly what I am envisioning. But knowing that the journey might just not be what I expected.