I Am Who I Am
It’s not just a name I give myself when I self-deprecate, it is a full sentence: “I am not good enough!” Because why not spend a whole sentence on putting yourself down versus just one meagre word, right!? Note the sarcasm!
Here are several thoughts I have about this pattern of mine:
1.) It is not as strong as it used to be. It’s not something I say out loud anymore, but still, it’s the underlying feeling that is with me a lot of the time. It’s like an automated reaction, a habit.
2.) Did you ever experience this? When a friend talks about herself in a self-deprecating way I often intervene. I try to make the person see herself from a different perspective. A perspective that most of the time she would naturally be in when talking about a loved one or a friend, but not when she is talking about herself! While I attempt to make her see herself in a different more kind way each time I am reminded just how often I do the same to myself. Why in the world are we so harsh on ourselves? Consciously switching perspective is the way to go! In my case, who determines whether or not I am good enough? I might not be good at some things, but then again, genius at others. Who sets the limits for ‘good enough’ anyway?
3.) Part of the “I’m not good enough,” stems from a deep-rooted longing for learning and progress. While this is a wonderful trait, which has brought me far, I need to allow myself to grow. Growing and learning is never perfect. I don’t know who this quote is from, but I like it anyway: “Every mistake you make is progress.” I have to remind myself of that regularly!
4.) In order to stop this pattern, I believe it is important not to fight it. Fighting it creates resistance, which in return “freezes” everything in place so the problem won’t budge. Instead by accepting it for what it is and seeing it as such: a story I tell myself! The next step is to take away anything that feeds this story. Imagine an old Greek temple with its roof resting on big beautiful columns. The roof is the story; the columns are things within me that hold it up. By releasing any imbalances that make up the columns using the Body Code or any other method of your liking you simply take the story’s footing away and without any fight, it will crumble to pieces one step at a time. This is how I achieved my progress in this regard.
5.) Another way to switch perspective is to really see and take in the truth. I don’t remember where I heard it first, I just know how deeply it moved me: We are all winners; otherwise we wouldn’t be here. We were created by winning the first race we were ever in. We stem from the very first of our father’s sperms to enter our mother’s egg! We all exist because we are winners!
Recently a friend of mine handed me her headphones and said: “Listen to this!” The beautiful song she played for me intrigued me. It was the combination of the music as well as the voice and the lyrics. I asked her who it was from and since then listened to the artist‘s album several times. One of her songs is called “Ich bin wie ich bin/I am who I am”. The lyrics touched me deeply and are so much a beautiful antidote to this “name” I so often still call myself internally:
I am who I am, with all things.
I am who I am; I want to sing myself
And give my soul time and space
To live in me, to be in me.