Forrest for the Trees
As I look back over my life and ponder my rabbit holes, there have been many, but there is one that stands out as a pivotal rabbit hole. A contemplation, and consequentially, a decision at the time which was bold but more true. I believe this was the decision that ‘killed’ who I ought to be, and planted the seed of who I wanted to be.
It was a brilliant moon that night, not just in brightness, but I swear, it was imparting wisdom to me as I steeped myself in its light. Just being out at midnight in Ottawa all by myself was bold (or at least I was told it was dangerous), but the pull was too intense to ignore. I had been rollerblading along the Rideau Canal for hours, back and forth, trying to dis-spell the energy that had for so long twisted in my heart. Finally, exhausted and leaking heart juice on my cheeks, I stopped and just stared. All these things I thought I had to be, none of them made my body and soul happy, just my mind.
It was at this moment, I decided to leave the subject I had pursued in school, knowing, in fact, it was exactly what I didn’t want. It was time to figure out instead, what I did want. I sat there in the sweet, night breeze and made a list of all the things I wanted to experience, do and be – from adopting a child, to building an RRSP, travelling, rock climbing, to being in an ashram. I didn’t really know, but I figured this was a map of sorts once I started connecting the dots the direction would become more clear. Scared and excited, relieved and exhausted, I returned home. Shortly after, I left my job and moved back to B.C. to visit my Mom while I got my feet under me again. I was 19. I think I have to go through things earlier than others, because it takes me longer to understand things. Or more correctly, I need to understand in my bones and being, before expressing it. Whenever my direction is fuzzy, or I feel that stifling in my heart, I stop and remember my moon moments, I ground myself in this moment and ask to remember myself, to remember the freeing sensation of that previous realization.
I love the rabbit hole. It’s one of the reasons I chose to live the way I do is to have space for the rabbit holes. This is essentially what my course, Conversations With Nature encompasses – a rabbit hole, but with a community to support that rabbit hole. To me, yoga when practiced ‘correctly’ is a rabbit hole practice – it ought to mess with the mind 😉