Show Me the Money

Wowza. I really loved reading your post, Lia – several times.

I’ve just finished most of my taxes. It’s maybe my scariest of tasks. In fact, I just do the book keeping part; Dad does the accounting. It should be easy! But it’s not. It’s the singular moment of the year where I really see what I’ve done, or not done, achieved, or not achieved. I get to see in black and white, on one piece of paper, what I have risked, what I am afraid of, and what I am proud of. It is a big picture “where I’m at” moment that I have been loving to hate for more than 20 years.

Self-employed is for me an incredible joy. There is so much abundance involved in this lifestyle, and over the past few years, as I have been in an extended period of development and doubling down, the abundance has been in the experience, and the freedom to take the time to learn how to actually do my vision, not just dream about it. It has not been financial abundance. Last year, at this time, I decided that the risk and the lack of financial abundance were too great. In no way did that mean giving up my vision, but I had to start doing things differently. I had to start painting again.

I love reading this post because it is helping me to connect with the feeling of comfort and accomplishment that I in fact have, even though the numbers are about the same as they were last year, which frustrates me. It’s the time of year to evaluate the gains from my investment of time and energy, just as much as it is about the money. I am no longer anxious all the time; I feel great. I am relaxed and happy. I sleep really well. I wake up refreshed and excited to do what is planned for the day, and that thing is well-planned. I am busy, but it is an enjoyable busy. I communicate better. My meals are planned and satisfying (rather than last minute, maybe). I’m caught up with my emails. I have extra energy at the end of the day for exercise, even though the habit of being afraid of the exhaustion is still there.

The proof that the comfortable feeling was real was when I realised all the receipts from 2016 were in the same place, exactly where I thought they should be, and because I automated that process. That was probably the biggest mark of abundance for me. I’m not sure how to describe that part of the process for me, but I did not trust that I had done that. I was terrified to do my taxes because it opened the door to that part of me that had become so burned out, that hyper organised business woman. To be truthful, it was that part of me that had been affected the most deeply by the lack of financial success. If I had a dollar for every one of my thoughts, I’d be a millionaire. But I’m not, and for a long time I was completely strung out and scrambling to make ends meet, in order to keep my developing business on the road.

But today gave me the opportunity to see what has changed, that the habit of fear and scrambling and not making ends meet is just that, a habit. For a year now, I have been well-afloat. The risks have been worth it. I am not profiting yet, but I am stable. I have paid work coming in quickly and easily, reliably. My Homeopathy practice is small and joyous, a few really rewarding patients, and that feels amazing. My blog vision is successful (people love us, Ladies!), it works, and I am moving to monetise it finally, and I think easily. I don’t feel the need to push that, but rather to maintain and let the right pieces come together.

Most important, I feel it in my body. I feel relaxed. My home is peaceful. Even the scariest of tasks was accomplished easily, everything as I thought it should be. I can’t wait for that comfortable and easy feeling to spread itself into my vision. I am excited to see what doing my taxes next year will look and feel like! I am definitely blossoming into abundance – the real kind first, and the money kind hot on its heels.