The Truth About Why I’m Not Dating.

Fabulous! Yes, when I was looking through her quotes to make sure I had it correct, there were so many! So encouraging. Quotes are such a huge part of our culture right now. I really love hers especially. Yes, because of whatever thing she is saying, but also who she is and what she represents as possible. All politics aside, because I have no idea what Teddy Roosevelt stood for or did for the US or the world at all, she is a strong successful woman in partnership with a strong successful man. It’s a great example for me on a personal level. Sincerely,I don’t know how it is possible for me to have my career and a partnership at the same time – those 2 compartments in my life have never functioned well at the same time.

In fact, that’s a huge fear for me, and the exact reason I am not dating right now. Historically when my career is going well, in steps some fabulous man. Always, always his exit occurs when business gets busy and requires all my attention and time. He’ll complain about it in whatever relevant context – always the same but different; whiners are shot on site – and then I will be unable to hide my workaholicism and I’ll end the relationship. I’ll rationalise it in all kinds of ways, and so will he (see relevant context), but for me in my heart it will be because he does not understand my priorities – and frankly, I have never been able to properly articulate them either I don’t think.

Hmmm. Lots here for me. I wasn’t expecting that associative thought! I’m liking it because in truth I have a lot of fears around relationship, and yet it’s one of my must-haves in life. I’d like to be able to feel free and be in relationship at the same time. And I require absolute honesty in relationship, yet I see here that I don’t necessarily give it. I absolutely know that in every relationship I’ve had, that poor man had no idea how important my career is – not really – or how ambitious and fixated I am about those goals. It’s nice to be able to take some ownership and responsibility around that. Of course all of them were fantastic, and yet I have many memories of being let down or of having to take a miss on something important to my business because he acted the way he did.

Last night even, as I was driving home from dinner with a friend, I passed a hotel where literally 21 years ago my highschool boyfriend’s friend got married. I chose to miss a bus trip to James Bay with my 4th year Native Studies class – a very intimate group of 12 people and would have been an experience of a life time – because I felt like I “should”. I have a huge amount of negativity around that decision. It quickly and directly leads to so much negativity about that time in my life, that relationship, and and and it grows exponentially as I think about it, like lightening, and I found myself lifting out of the seat as I was driving. It goes without saying how bad that is for my body. It goes without saying how “victim” that is of me, and it goes without saying that those feelings of negativity are peppering every relationship I have.

Good to know!

Well, initially your share reminded me of my first day in uni. Dad had given me a tool box, and I was the only kid thus equipped. There was a book shelf taking up one entire wall, and to change the room around so that my roomie and I could fit the furniture in to give us the most room possible, the shelf needed to move about 4″ towards the door. I just got out my screw driver and moved the shelf! Then as we started to meet people, they all wanted their rooms the same, so I moved everyone else’s shelves too.

This is a GREAT memory for me to have. Perfect in fact. I didn’t ask permission. I didn’t talk it over with a parent first. I saw a problem and I figured out the solution. I remember that moment very clearly, and that several people showed some trepidation around getting in trouble for that. I remember shrugging my shoulders and saying “who’s going to stop you?” And then straight away, “it’s easy, I’ll show you.” Then we would go into their room and I would do the “dirty” deed. I only did 2 other ones myself, and then others came to me to borrow my screw driver. That’s a real live story.

I’m giving myself some homework today, will add that to the scary thing I haven’t decided yet ha! I have several things that need fixing in my house right this minute, and I know the feelings I have about fixing them. Some of them are that “oh it’s such a palaver” feeling, and some of them are that “I don’t know how”. It’s not fear necessarily, but I know those feelings are also attached to a lot of the things I am afraid of – or more precisely, those feelings are the cop-out “reasons” I don’t do something. It’s easier for me to say I don’t know how, or I’m too busy to afford the “palaver” time in the day, so I procrastinate those completions.

If I make it simply about the things I think I cannot do, a boat-load of accomplishment-energy is coming my way! That will definitely increase my confidence, and most important it will bring me more in line with that 20 year old who “willed what she wanted”. At that time, it was “why not” move the shelf. Fear was not even a factor.