Take The Shot
Had I been a different person, one who is less risk-adverse, who tried a little harder to overcome the obstacles, I would have moved to the US a couple of years ago. I told my friend this while out for a walk recently. She replied: but then you’d be living in the US. True, I said, but I would have only gone for a year or so, and then moved to Toronto as planned. It’s a conversation I’ve often had with myself. In order for any of that to have happened though, I would have had to be more confident in my abilities to be employable, even after absences or moves. And I have not been that person. So I took this path, and I missed my chance to live life in another place, which when I live it in small doses, I like very much.
If it’s a regret, it’s a small one, because I know that wasn’t who I was, and though it could have been, I don’t want to spend time on it – life is moving forward as it does, and I’m not interested in taking that one with me. It is what it is, they say. And, as Wayne Gretzky said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. So I missed it, but I lived a good life in the meantime, and I try to focus on what’s ahead, rather than on what’s behind. Gretzky’s words don’t normally pop up into my mind, but for some reason this week, this topic, it’s on repeat. I’ve missed quite a few shots, but in doing so, I did a lot of other things. That’s why I try to let the regrets go – it isn’t a missed shot, it’s two roads diverged in a wood, it’s two different paths, both with good outcomes, different, but good. And if nothing else fails to shake of the regrets, I turn to Frank Sinatra’s words: “regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention”.
All that being said, I want to find a better way to take calculated risks and mainly to have more confidence in doing so, to take the other road and know it too, may turn out just fine – that I have enough faith in myself to survive it – the change, the failure, the trying. I often just consider myself lucky that it all worked out, but perhaps there’s something that links them all, and that thing is me.
I don’t regret moving to Toronto, because it is in service to a specific and large part of my vision. And no, it definitely wasn’t easy at all. At the same time, I don’t yet feel it is a complete success. Mainly because while I found a job and managed to establish myself here (quite comfortably), it wasn’t quite the job I wanted or expected (or that others expected I would get and in at a faster turn-around time). And really, I didn’t know what I wanted. In the months between jobs, I felt the weight of imposter syndrome. I felt so fortunate to have found a job, and it too is servicing the vision. I remind myself of that often. So perhaps I should stay there, in the safety of that role, until the vision is onto its next step (the SO arrives and lives here). I’m debating. While in that limbo, I am taking steps. I am preparing myself to be in a position to be ready for that next move, the next opportunity, to take the shot. This at least makes me feel that I am in the best place to make the decision when the time comes.