Sudden Voice to a Silent Battle

Great couple of days. Really busy and lots of crunchy bits – traffic, forgot some important things at home, G not feeling well and is that really true, more painting work here where I’m dog sitting than I expected, and terrible terrible internet, again. Crashed my car into a rock and made a mess of the paint. The recent upsets between my family and I are causing me to be uncharacteristically emotional, so these frustrations are even more difficult to navigate than usual. It’s progress, as far as my anxiety is concerned – causes are really evident – but it’s difficult to manage because the panic attacks are totally explosive. I can’t hide them at all, and I have been able to constructively create some resolutions to some long held difficulties. In fact, the resolutions have occurred really easily, and I think just because I have changed my mind set.

The biggest difference I think is that I have been so explosive that I have really for the first time actually seen my own energy, the energy that is inside and fueling the panic attacks. I haven’t been able to hide it and it careens into the room guns ablazin’. Scares the crap out of me and the person who witnesses it, if there is a witness. Usually there is not, and in those cases, the minute I do come in contact with someone else, I hide it immediately. THAT is even more scary to me. It is unbelievable to me how quickly and naturally I put on a smile – and not just a smile, but a totally different energy. The person is quite likely to jump on my positivity train. So weird.

So, the thing I definitely need to change is the part of me that is over reacting and over sensitive to the things I cannot control. I am doing this in 2 ways. The first is to question how much I care about the thing I am over reacting to, and also how that is managed. The second is literally to move more slowly. I do everything in high gear, and it actually creates irritation I think. While I was painting today, I noticed how it is actually more efficient to move a little more slowly. I make fewer mistakes, and if you can imagine that person who tries to make one trip only from the car to the house and spills her coffee in her purse… there’s your laugh.

Already I have noticed a clearer mind and less “hysteria” when making decisions and completing tasks. Also, I have no idea how it’s related, but I feel more confident and certain about my goals. They seem easier even.