Self-Deprecating: Yuck.

I really want this topic to facilitate a change in me. I’m breaking it down into pieces I can work with by noticing the places where I instantly feel like a “loser”, and instead of cracking a joke or making some sort of a comment, I just be in the uncomfortable without changing it, and wait for it to pass.

The first thing I noticed is that the ego burns. It really, really burns. I have to clench my teeth so I don’t say anything to “excuse” whatever it is I feel like a loser about.

The second thing I notice, really quickly actually, like I can’t believe I didn’t notice this before, is in literally most cases, a “go F yourself” response boils up in me so fast I almost lunge at the person. This can be for several reasons (so far): I have just received an unsolicited criticism; whatever it is I am being passive-aggressively accused of is hmmmm not my issue or my fault; whispering or side-glances in the literal presence of any other person is hmmmm disgusting; someone laughs at me and/or insinuates I am stupid, or weird, or silly, or odd… I’m sure there will be more, but if that’s as far as I get with it, I’ll be getting to the grit of it for sure. Those ones are pretty marked for me, and I know thematic for me. Any (or all) of those energies in a conversation will instantly cause me to default into negative self-talk as some sort of defense.

That’s pretty twisted and sick. Esp considering the actual suppressed emotion in that moment is protecting that person from MY anger. I’m literally defending the “offender” from me.

This suddenly explains why I feel in those moments that the criticism, or whispering, or laughing at me, from them, is an attack. It feels really out of line.

Anyway, I’m still breaking this down for myself, to see the parts of it, rather than the hurt and shock of it in the moment. I mean I HAVE to teach myself to bounce better in these moments, and esp to that place where I am naturally unencumbered by other people’s reactions to life in general, that I just happen to step into and complete the loop for them. I need to be more in life than a mirror or a completer of other people’s energy.

Yet, that’s precisely what I am. That’s what a writer does. I am freewheelin here suddenly. I have lots of thoughts about writing anonymously somehow. I’ll tuck this in here, in this massive container of CW. I mean I could be completely satisfied by that actually. I already spin this weird tale of what I “do” so that I can do what I do for those who want it, actually.

Grrrr.

Anyway, l want to keep to the point for myself. I get so scattered! This call topic, following self-love and self-care, is in my mind THE cure for the “secret” debacle of my 31st year. Perhaps if I had not suppressed my rage, and allowed myself to say and do the things I actually felt, I would not have needed the subsequent abuse in all relationships – friends, “partners”, patients, colleagues – to teach me how much shit I feed myself.

So, to keep with the theme, the next thing that happens if I don’t make a bunch of excuses out of confusion, shock, and embarrassment, or injure the person out of instant outrage for what registers as an insult, if I pause and just notice, is my sweetness, my yielding gentleness, my smile. And it doesn’t even matter what I say after that, honestly. I mean if it is in response to the whisper or side-conversation, I generally just make a comment about something in a smiley way ie I pretend not to notice what they said or did and I smile and say “isn’t it so lovely out today?”

Ha – you’ll laugh now if you ever hear me just randomly say that. You’ll know someone’s life has been spared. Bahahah! Eeeveil.

Also, this is the exact behaviour of a Homeo remedy picture – Staphasagria – it’s the remedy for suppressed anger. That’s friggin’ brilliant. I’ll have to use that somewhere in Alive Homeopathy.

OMG anyway, where I am in this, I don’t know. It feels amazing to be aware of the pattern, and the “other person’s behaviour” that causes it. Now that I see what is about me, I can untangle myself from the what it is about them that makes me the target. There is definitely a co-interaction thing right now.

I mean, what is it about me that causes me to attract from strangers the EXACT social style and behaviour of my family’s way of treating me? It can’t be random. I must be inviting it.

And better, I have also noticed that if I call someone on that behaviour, they in fact do the opposite – speak to my “importance” and acknowledge my value. THAT is a loop I would like to complete.