My Sanctuary, My Home, Is My Happiness

More than a few years ago, when I was single, I often found that some friends (single or in relationships) found it implausible that I was happy. They would say things such as – “but you want a boyfriend, right?” To which I would reply, that yes, if a good candidate came along, I would be happy to explore a relationship; however, I was also happy just as I was, in my single state. This appeared to be a difficult concept to understand. I was fine being single, and would also be fine to be a relationship, and I was also fine with ambiguity – I was often seeing people without a plan, dating as it were – without breaking either the single or the in-a-relationship titles. It seemed that people expected me to be unhappy and pining while single, though I often noticed that the ones which were in relationships were not necessarily happy. Perhaps they wanted me to in a relationship and unhappy as they were – I can’t be sure. The point is that I could be in one state or the other, but neither was better, neither was preferred and both were enjoyed. In my current relationship state, I often jokingly say #SingleNotSingle. I live a single’s life, but I am in a relationship. Again, it’s a different perspective.

These days I am exploring the either/or states of going out and staying in. I am happy to be with friends, going out to new places, concerts, walks and the like. I am also happy to be at home, reading, thinking, writing, walking, wherever the alone time may take me. I started the first quarter of the year by staying in quite a bit. It was what I craved and I just went with it. In the past I can remember that I used to feel very lost when at home on a weekend. I liked it, but I felt that I was missing out on something outside, in the world. And there are days I still feel like that, as I try to navigate a balance between the two. The real progress here is that I am happy in either place, either state. Perhaps this is a little bit of living in the present moment.

I feel that this outlook is a positive one, one of contentment and acceptance. It’s not always constant, which is fine, and sometimes I push back unnecessary guilt, but overall, it is working for me. It’s helping me enjoy myself in those moments no matter where I am. Knowing that neither state is forever and there is good in each. I am someone who is often planning the next thing, but I am finding that I am able to do so, and look forward to it, but not at the expense of whatever I’m doing beforehand. It feels good.