My Desired Certainty is the Confidence to Lay Claim to Myself
Some would say that the only thing that is certain is uncertainty (the cousin of the phrase, the only certainty is change). And I would agree in part – I am more uncertain than certain about anything – in the world and in my life. Being uncertain is part of growth, I’m finding. The uncertain is the examined: do I want to continue a behaviour or activity? How do I want my life to be? I question the uncertain and perhaps in doing so find a more certain path.
I want to be certain, or more certain than I am currently, but not the kind of certainty that closes off the mind to new possibilities. My desired certainty is the confidence to lay claim to myself, to my skills, to my accomplishments. I want certainty in knowing myself and accepting that person, in her entirety. I know that most people, me included, don’t stay the same, we do change over time. I want to be certain that I am changing and growing and evolving in a way that is bringing me into a better state of mind, of being.
If it all sounds quite philosophical, that’s because it is. The questioning, the learning, how to organize the world and my own microcosm of self within it, is definitely always percolating. But all of that is a bit big picture; I can’t quite reach it at this point. So, I start small. I am certain that I have left a positive impression on many people over the years. I am certain that I sincerely and authentically connect with many people across ages and ethnicities. I am certain that I have work to do on myself, but only in the service of being more at peace and showing more love. I am certain that love is the centre of the meaning of life, even if I can’t fully grasp it yet. I am certain that routines ground me, that walks help me to solve the everyday issues of my life, that I have great friends, stylish friends, inspiring friends (and people) in my life. I am more certain about what kind of people and experiences I want in my life than I was a few years ago. I am certain that I am continuing to learn and absorb and adjust my place in this world, in this society. I am certain that I am passionate about a great many things, even if that passion is sometimes more diffuse than I would like. I am not always comfortable with uncertainty, in this I am not alone, and I’m learning to work with the certainty of uncertainty, every day.