Butterflies Cannot See Their Wings. But the Rest of the World Can.
My time of regroup this week has been, hmmmm… spectacular, crushing, weird, exhilarating, and of course, the ever-present exhausting. And I love every minute of it.
The details are the details, and they are the same but different so many times over. By that I mean, the process for me has been underway for 6 years. I mean, it’s not even a funky number, and when I think about how many times along the way I have experienced failure, I lose count. And sometimes, when something breaks – for example this week when the community site broke for an entire day grrrr – my response is that the whole thing has failed. I am leaning so hard into its becoming that when a problem I wasn’t expecting happens, it’s like the bottom drops out. I have learned logically that when it breaks, the solution – or sometimes the almost surgical removal of the thing that breaks, and that could be a person, an idea, a structure, or a technical thing – brings not only relief of the problem, but an absolute strengthening and simplification of the entire project. It’s sometimes so profound that it can take me a few days to even see what’s left – or the evolution – is actually positive. Sometimes the only way I even recognise it, is I say to myself: “OK, I will make-do until…” The amazing thing is that I’m starting to see THAT as part of the pattern, and it has happened so many times that I am also starting to rely a bit on that “make-do” feeling as the exact right direction to lean.
In a remarkable way, the words “make-do” become a powerful tool. Ah, but only when they show up as my reaction, and specifically as a surrender. Conversely, make-do, settle, or “that’s good enough” are not part of my constitution, let’s be clear about that! So for me to see this energy as part of the pattern, and now recoginising it as some kind of tool is the “weird” I was talking about earlier.
I’m loving having this call topic to let me absorb the intense value of that tool, and frankly, the recognition of it at all.
And again, to use the most recent “issue” (in my family we pronounce it as “iss”ue not “ish”ue…. it’s WAY funnier and lighter, just as an aside, and also an the offering of useful levity for you Ladies too!) of the community site having “issues” (heh huh, see what I”m sayin’?!) as the example, when the site went down, it happened after spending an hour or so on a post. Of course the “trouble shooting” started as my new computer had an issue, then my router, then the site… and by the time I realised it was actually the site, so I needed to make a copy of my post and save it, it disappeared. And of course I exploded! That’s my thing.
BUT… because I was already well inside the mindset of evolution, I had the opportunity to press slow-mo during the explosion. First I noticed the parts of the explosion. The emotional reactions were textbook-me, and I know these things about myself only because I’m a Homeopath and I have drilled this into my patients over the years: the thought you have the instant you stub your toe, it’s the same every time, if you notice, and it’s THE thought that lets you know where you’re really at, what you really think about your life. (Hint, if it’s simply the F-word, you’re healthy and self-actualised, guaranteed.) It’s so much easier when it’s them and not me who stubs her toe! But I have to follow my own advice, those are the rules.
This is getting to be a long post now, so I’ll compress it a bit, and over the icky-bits. First thought for me was, and always is, literally, that the “thing” that commands the Universe is conspiring against me, that’s the truth. I am positive in those moments that whatever that is, just pointed its TV remote at me and powered off. Or pushed me over onto my back in my tank, beetled. Total madness. And it’s not even true, because when I am in my creative mind, or watching the progress in my patients, it’s the opposite – that thing that commands the Universe (it IS a Big Giant Head btw) always presses play and always always moves towards life. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve landed an accidental 10 footer! I’m the luckiest person alive! I mean, yes, that’s exactly what fuels evolution – life.
Next, I get angry and say F-it, I’m done. I usually smash something at this point (anywhere from crushing a piece of paper to spraining a knee), and if that doesn’t relieve it, I go for a walk or a drive. Must move quickly and strongly. And in about an hour, the solution or the clarity of mind returns, and the “positive” moving forward of my entire vision becomes available. It’s an instant upgrade or update, and totally amazing, always.
The evolution this week, however, was that I after the “Universe is just mean” flash, some wiggling in my chair and a confirmation (reflection, yo) from Lia that the site was down, I instantly knew something positive would come from it, and I moved on to the next thing I needed to do in my day. The bigger reality is that I was really off-balance. I hadn’t been in my home for 10 days, it was a total mess (again, aliens, I know it, I wasn’t even here) that was prohibiting my ability to write or think or cook properly or do yoga… all the necessary foundational things to keep the vision alive. Suddenly having the time to clean that up and get proper food in the house, to go for a walk… total magic, and better, it sealed in the value of assuming the “problem” is actually positive, which is my natural and healthy way of thinking anyway.
So, in conclusion, half-way through this week’s topic, I am noticing more the evolution in myself and how I do things – and what that allows for me personally in life, that enjoyment, that is the literal raison d’etre – and that that part of the vision is (me, happy) is is, is and is, what allows the evolution of the vision itself. It’s a generative interaction between self and vision. Desire and have. That’s the literal hunger and satisfaction of Life, incarnate. My version, anyway.
Pretty cool, really. People talk about this, wanting this, and I gots it. I feel a bit smug now! I wonder what door the Big Giant Head will open for me next.