Vision is a Feeling

I think bringing my vision into words is so hard for me still because the vision is in the unknown or even is the unknown, it’s about my life being out there and different. Not completely of course, but the vision part is about things that I have not yet experienced and that therefore are unknown to me.

What I am starting to understand though is that the not yet experienced part is based on the experiences in the past. What I mean by that is that some things that are derived from experiences I have made so far in my life keep me from moving into the unknown “easily” (in case moving into the unknown could ever be “easy”…). I’m talking about painful experiences of all kinds that each and everyone of us has had in her life. They can create fear of the unknown, the need to protect myself from harm, the hesitation to fully trust myself or others, etc. I can literally feel them holding me back from moving forward.

Luckily life is supportive, and I am being given steps I can take to overcome those obstacles.

One step that presented itself this weekend is forgiveness. A friend of mine talked about it yesterday giving examples of her own life and how forgiving helped her move forward. As she was speaking circumstances in my life I have not completely forgiven yet or sometimes not even begun to forgive came to my mind, one being very specifically connected with parts of my vision. And I sensed forgiving the people who have hurt me in this situation will help me not only let go of the painful experience itself but of the fear it has planted in me and that I so clearly feel whenever I think of my vision.

I also have to forgive myself. For not ideal decisions, for not standing up for myself, for not choosing into all good opportunities but choosing into some bad ones,… Basically for not being perfect. I want that self-forgiveness to help me let go of self-doubt about what could have been or I could have done instead and acknowledge my life’s achievements accepting that I always did the best I knew how. I think that will move me towards knowing I am capable boosting my self-confidence and self-trust on the way.

Another step I am currently working on is giving up control. Boy, that sounds so easy and yet seems so hard. Controlling things is a protective mechanism for me. Giving up control means being open, vulnerable and trusting. It requires me to feel some very deep and painful feelings and allowing myself to not be strong all the time, but so far it also provides opportunities for miracles to unfold in my life.

It’s baby steps I am taking, but steps they are and in the right direction, too.