Putting Myself Out There

Confidence is an ideal for me. Not the overbearing kind, that always makes me wonder if people aren’t just covering up their lack of real confidence. I mean the one that makes you know and love yourself, the one that makes it easy to be kind to others for you’re so used to being kind to yourself, too, the one that makes you not despise others’ weaknesses, because you know your own so well and are nevertheless o.k. with them, the one that makes you value your own accomplishments as well as others’ and that makes you dare for even more.

As I spent this last weekend with friends at a convention I had the opportunity to notice my levels of confidence. They vary, you know, depending on the situation. It was difficult for me to approach new people and make contact with them; something that usual is quite my thing, esp. as I love to socialize. But this time I felt stiff and awkward, being quite stuck in the thought of “What will they think about me?” I did not feel confident and safe enough to initiate contact. Then again I was without make up most of the time, which would not have happened just a while ago, as I used to always wear some when being at such an event.

There were other personal things going on, too, which altogether made me think about what influenced my levels of confidence in these situations. And while this surely isn’t a complete list, here are my conclusions:

1. There are times when my behaviour that usually expresses my confidence might change. E.g. not chatting up a lot of people, because I am in a phase, in which I rather retreat and focus inwardly. It was huge for me to see that so clearly and therefore to be able not to judge my different behaviour, but accept it as a natural shift in my energy.
2. As I was asking myself why I was feeling that insecure and even sad at times, the idea popped into my head that I was experiencing the classic reaction of an empath: I was resonating with the insecurity and sadness of the people around me which in return made the feelings within me way more intense and sometimes even overwhelming. What really helps me when that happens is to ask myself questions that turn my focus inwardly towards myself such as e.g. “What do I want to feel?” I learned that only last year and it’s still a miracle to me how well it works. I might still feel the big feelings, but I can distinguish them enough to know they aren’t all mine taking away the need to solve them. Which in return makes me able to relax into feeling them, as if I was standing in an ocean of emotions feeling the waves come and go.
3. Looking in the mirror thinking, “I don’t need make up, I am beautiful the way I am.” was wonderful. Of course I don’t feel that all the time yet, who does? But the fact that I allow myself to be seen “as I really am” au nature shows me how much I have come to love and appreciate myself and to see myself with open eyes. That is possible because I got rid of belief statements that used to obstruct my view on my own beauty.
4. The lack of confidence that was genuinely mine showed me what I need to change in order to experience more confidence. I saw that there are old false beliefs I want to get rid of, as they block and decrease my confidence. And I noticed that I want to exercise more in order to raise my fitness level. Exercising is a natural confidence booster for me, it’s not only in the way my body feels afterwards, but in the way I walk. And I love to feel that physical confidence. Therefore I want establish regular exercise in my life. In order to support myself in this endeavour I found a Nordic walking competition in my hometown and asked a friend to join me, which gives me a goal with an end date to motivate myself to train and get fit.

Many things influence my confidence, and I had to learn that it is not the same in different areas of my life. But overall I am becoming more confident. The way I can tell is by seeing how much more I love myself, appreciate the good I am doing and drop the judgement about myself.