Free Bird

My metamorphosis is my vision. That’s it. I’m in the cocoon already. This vision is as uncomplicated as it can get, but it will require a good share of discipline, hard work and commitment.

I have spent the majority of my life flying by the seat of my pants, making decisions on the spot and honing the skill of strategy. I was more than the person to determine a planned course of action well in advance; I became the person that knew what to do within any given incident or how to deal with time-sensitive, contentious matters and situations. I was the ‘go to’ person that would figure it out and clean up the mess when others would panic. I was the problem solver. I could even find the loophole when there was a dire need for one. I could assess the risk to determine in advance how big of a hit would be the consequential from the different courses of action. Strategy and governance came easier than most things to me and I had been given a forum to exercise these skills regularly.

I spent so much time getting exceptional at planning everything from every perspective and lens. I was capable of looking out from every viewpoint and preparing the offensive, and the defensive in the unlikely circumstance it would be required. Here’s the clincher: I did this when I was getting paid. I would excel at work but it never clicked in that I was living to work and the little real life I had left I threw in a closet to clean up later. It never occurred to me to place my efforts on what mattered. I was failing at living.

I spent so much time at work looking through the eyes of other people that I neglected to spend time looking through my own and concerning myself with my house. Here was the one thing I truly owned, the one asset I can not be robbed of and I chose to let it drop to the bottom of the pile. It would be there, to handle when there’s time, because I have to deal with the chaos. Take yourself for granted long enough and you become the chaos.

Sometimes I brought this skill out of the workplace to help a friend or family that may ask for a bit of advice but never did it occur to me to build a strategy on attaining my wants and needs … perhaps because I never paused to realize just what I wanted. I was so stuck on this program, that I couldn’t see my body and mind were screaming out to look inward. I was so comfortable on the chessboard that it never occurred to me that it sat on a strong table keeping much more off the ground. It didn’t even occur to me that I may not be around to play.

I stopped paying attention to the signs: the physical changes, the quiet thoughts, my expression in the mirror before I went to bed and when I got up in the morning. I stopped listening and seeing until I didn’t recognize my own voice or my reflection.

So here I am, turning all the focus I’ve got to the only thing anyone has any real control over. I’ve looked inward, paid attention and listened to myself and realized I was a mess. It wouldn’t end unless I made changes. It was too late for little changes. I had to make quick decisions that would have an enormous impact on my life.

So, I dropped everything I worked so hard to accomplish at the worst possible time for two reasons: I realized there would never be a good time because there was always some crisis; and in the end my accomplishments amassed to only one truly useful thing and it was a skill that I was innately good at and that I’ve learned to master in my professional life. I never bothered to use it where it was most needed.

I know strategy, yet it is foreign for me to apply it to my life. It isn’t that I don’t know how. I had to admit I was resisting it on some level. There is a quote by Marianne Williamson: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

This quote resonates with me. Without explaining the unnecessary, I came to see that a great part of my fear stemmed from being who I am because that would open me up to new opportunities. It even came from attracting others into my life. It definitely terrified me to be more accountable and successful than I am … because that meant responsibilty and the chance that I might be great at an exponential rate.

It may shake the people in my life for any reason: love, concern, envy, discomfort, fear of change. This too was a factor.

This is a happy vision story, though. I’m living part of my vision already. I have chosen my own course and made decisions that pushed me into unknown territory. I left behind what’s comfortable, familiar, reasonable, sensible, stable and risked it all for the uncomfortable, unfamiliar, unreasonable, and unstable. My truth is that the latter are the perfect ingredients for glory.

Going through the mill to rid myself of the many layers of convention and to be left with the smooth but raw wood is the only way that I’m going to be honest with myself and become the person that has laid dormant in me for too long.

I can tell you that I intend to focus on my art, do what I love for a living, have a lot of fun while making a difference in the world, and those things will inevitably change me even more, with every new experience that comes my way.

Still, as it stands, I have to be myself in order to be in a position to have those experiences. I have to prioritize my body, mind, soul and gigantic heart, which is beating with a lot more rhythm each day.

I have to stand by my own convictions. I must be real and acknowledge the fact that I can have everything I want to with the certitude, confidence and belief that I’m going to succeed. My projects are driven by this very thought.

Through my journey, there has been and will continue to be a synergy between what I’m tackling and who I am at any given moment.

I am strong and happy. I am exercising strategy in my personal life. I am demonstrating discipline. I will be stonger, happier, and impervious to being thrown off course. I will be fierce and determined. I will never make a choice that isn’t my own again. That is my vision.