Double Traveling; Double Happiness

My vision is currently in a state of change meaning it’s in dire need of an update due to the fact that life has changed, and I have changed. But while I am aware of that need the vision just isn’t there, it’s not clear yet. And seriously that makes me nervous as hell, as I can feel the time ticking just as much as the certainty that I am not yet ready to settle and make a choice. As time goes by I realize that there are several aspects that play a role in updating my vision, both hindering and supporting the process.

There is an expectation of perfectionism: I want to get it right. I GOT to get it right. 100% right. With the first try. In the beginning I didn’t even notice this notion until I talked to someone trying to put into words what the parts of my vision were, what aspects of life were included (basically all…). That’s when I caught myself: “Wow, you are trying to do it all perfectly. You want to get it all in one sit. No wonder there is so much fear, when the stakes are so high!” I haven’t solved that yet but I’m trying to make myself see it when I’m trying to be and do perfect yet again.

Fear is a big part of the equation as well, and I have a lot of it! Fear of failure as well as success, fear to repeat mistakes I’ve made and awful situations I was in, fear of not acting fast enough and fear of acting too soon, and so on and so on. What I am starting to understand is this: It’s not about finding a way to make the fear go away. As well as not making it bigger than it is, e.g. by realizing “It’s not just me who runs fears. Everyone does, we all do.” It is about feeling the fear, maybe even welcoming it which means to understand that we only have fear concerning things that are important to us, I’ve never had fear over say loosing a gum wrapper, simply because I couldn’t care less about loosing it. But fear around a job, family and loved ones, health, my purpose, etc. is bigger the more I value those things. And the most important part of what I still have to learn in this situation: to not let my fears stop me from acting according to those values of mine!

What do I want? That’s naturally a big part of the vision, but boy is it hard for me to know. Of course there are wants that I am very clear on, but there are also areas that I just – don’t – know, and that started to annoy me. Until I became aware of the fact that it’s a bit like there are too many things I can choose from. To say it in a more positive way there are a heck of a lot of possibilities to choose from. So basically it’s not so much about not enough (knowing what I want) but too much (possibilities), that somehow makes it more bearable for me as it’s sifting through abundance instead of “uncreating” lack.

There is one want though that’s established itself quite clearly these days: traveling. I am thrilled to have it in my life again. For to me it’s a sign of recovered life energy after a long phase of barely surviving and therefore a big indicator of me moving forward. And I am trying to use this forward movement that’s in this raw want to travel. I’ve been traveling more in the last few months than I have in years, and I want to keep it up. I am currently planning some nice weekend trips to visit friends I haven’t seen in a while as well as one-day-trips to get to know different cities. Just this past Saturday I had the URGE to leave town and so I went to the Bavarian countryside with friends and their awesome son. Man, did I enjoy just getting out!! Plus I was given this idea of cheap travels: coffee shops.

So this week is coffee shop week! Each day a new coffee shop. I’ve already been in one around the corner from my home and currently I am sitting in a Coffee Fellows shop right in the main train station in my city which makes it double traveling. 🙂 I am combining it with writing, another raw wanting energy in my life right now! I am excited to see what other raw wants will come around while I’ll be sitting in a coffee shop this week!